Setting Boundaries with Adult Children as a Christian Parent
Dear fellow Christian parent, is your heart heavy with concern for a wayward child who seems to have strayed far from the faith and values you instilled in them? Do you find yourself caught in a cycle of rescuing, resentment, and heartache? If so, take heart – you’re not alone on this challenging journey. Today, let’s explore how we can deconstruct the invisible barriers that codependency creates in our relationships with our wayward children and pave the way for healing, growth, and potential spiritual renewal for our prodigal children.
The Hidden Trap of Codependency in Christian Parenting
As Christian parents, our love for our children is rooted in our faith and knows no bounds. We’d move mountains to protect them from harm and guide them back to the path of righteousness. But what if our well-intentioned efforts are actually hindering their growth and potential return to faith?
Nancy Landrum, author of “Pungent Boundaries,” describes codependency as an interlocking set of beliefs that create what she calls “Velcro relationships” in Christian families:
* We believe it’s our God-given duty to ensure our child’s happiness and shield them from pain.
* Our wayward child believes their mistakes don’t matter because mom or dad will always fix things.
This “Velcro relationship” often leads to:
1. Resentment and frustration on our part
2. Stunted personal and spiritual growth for our wayward children
3. A cycle of enabling that keeps our child from facing the consequences of their actions and potentially returning to their faith
Does this sound familiar in your Christian parenting journey?
1. Recognizing the Invisible Barriers in Parent-Child Relationships
Codependency erects invisible barriers in our relationships with wayward children, making it impossible to experience a healthy balance of responsibility, respect, and Christ-like love. These barriers are built from blocks of unhappy feelings:
* Resentment
* Blame
* Guilt
* Crippling pity
* Shame
Nancy shares, “Those negative feelings, the resentment, the self-righteousness, the blame, the criticism… Putting that responsibility for my self-image on my child was such an unhealthy burden for him to carry.”
As Christian parents, we must recognize that these feelings not only hinder our relationship with our wayward children but also our relationship with God. Our focus shifts from trusting in His plan to desperately trying to control outcomes.
Take a moment to reflect and pray:
- Are you carrying these unhappy feelings in your heart?
- Are you trying to control your wayward child’s behavior to maintain your own self-image or sense of spiritual success?
- How might these feelings be affecting your faith and trust in God’s plan for your child?
2. Clarifying Boundaries and Responsibilities: Pungent Boundaries for Wayward Children
One of the key steps in deconstructing barriers in parent-child relationships is to clarify what we’re responsible for as Christian parents and what our wayward children are responsible for. This can be a challenging process, especially when we’ve been entangled in codependency for a long time.
Nancy shares a powerful moment when she told her son, Steven, who was struggling with addiction:
“I’ve come to a decision that you need to know about. I’m going to stop nagging you to get into a recovery program. If you ever decide that you want to be free from your addiction and if you ask me for help, I’ll move heaven and earth to find a great recovery program for you. But until you do, I want you to know that your life is yours. You’re an adult, you make choices for yourself, and how you live your life is up to you. I want you to know that I’m going to be okay. So however, whatever choices you make are not going to ruin my life because I’m making good healthier choices for myself.”
This declaration, rooted in love but firm in boundaries, freed both Nancy and her son. It lifted the burden of responsibility for Nancy off Steven’s shoulders and allowed him to take ownership of his life and potentially his faith journey.
Implementing pungent boundaries for wayward children involves:
1. Clearly defining what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t
2. Communicating these boundaries with love and firmness
3. Establishing consequences for boundary violations
4. Consistently enforcing these consequences
Remember, as Nancy emphasizes, “A threat is a boundary without consequence. Threats don’t work.”
Ask yourself:
- Am I taking responsibility for my wayward child’s choices instead of trusting God with their journey?
- Am I trying to control outcomes that are not mine to control?
- What would it look like to hand back responsibility to my child while still showing Christ-like love?
3. Taking Steps to Deconstruct Barriers and Foster Spiritual Renewal for Prodigal Children
Deconstructing these barriers isn’t easy, but it’s essential for healing relationships and creating space for potential spiritual renewal in our prodigal children. Here are some practical, faith-based steps you can take:
1. Identify and pray through your feelings: Take time to journal about your emotions. Why are you feeling resentful or angry? Bring these feelings before God in prayer.
2. Hand back responsibility: Identify one step you can take today to hand responsibility back to your wayward child. Remember, it’s not your job to fix their feelings or rescue them from consequences. Trust God to work in their lives.
3. Set clear, pungent boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with appropriate consequences, rooted in biblical principles of love and discipline.
4. Follow through with grace: Be prepared to enforce the consequences when boundaries are crossed, but do so with grace and love, reflecting God’s character.
5. Practice self-care and spiritual renewal: Remember that taking care of your own spiritual and emotional health is not selfish. It’s essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with your child and with God.
6. Seek support from your faith community: Don’t walk this journey alone. Seek support from your church, Christian counselors, or support groups for parents of wayward children.
Nancy shares a powerful example of implementing pungent boundaries: “When Stephen was 18, I finally made the decision, supported by my husband, Jim, to tell Stephen that he couldn’t live at home anymore. I was no longer legally responsible for him. And I was so tired of the chaos his addiction brought into our family.”
This was an incredibly painful decision, but it was necessary for both Nancy and Stephen’s growth and opened the door for potential spiritual renewal.
Embracing Hope and Freedom in Christ
Dear Christian parent, I know this journey with your wayward child isn’t easy. The path of loving a prodigal is often filled with tears, sleepless nights, and fervent prayers. But there’s hope in Christ. By recognizing codependent behaviors, clarifying boundaries, and taking steps to deconstruct these invisible barriers, you’re opening the door for healing and potential spiritual renewal for your prodigal child.
Remember Nancy’s powerful words: “When you disconnect this Velcro relationship, I told you in previous podcasts that it frees you and that frees the other person.” This freedom can create space for God to work in both your lives.
As you move forward in faith, keep these key points in mind:
1. Codependency creates invisible barriers in our relationships with wayward children.
2. Clarifying boundaries and responsibilities is crucial for healing relationships and fostering potential spiritual renewal.
3. Taking practical, faith-based steps to deconstruct these barriers can lead to freedom in Christ for both you and your wayward child.
Are you ready to take the first step towards freedom and trust in God’s plan? It might be scary, but remember, you’re not alone. God sees your struggle, and He’s with you every step of the way.
Why not start today? Take a moment to pray, journal about your feelings, and identify one small step you can take to hand back responsibility to your wayward child while still showing Christ-like love. Your future self – and your child – will thank you.
Remember, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Your prodigal child’s story isn’t over, and neither is yours. With prayer, perseverance, and the courage to deconstruct these barriers, you can create an environment where healing, spiritual growth, and renewal are possible. Trust in God’s timing and His perfect plan for your family, even when the path seems unclear. May you find strength, wisdom, and peace as you navigate this challenging but potentially transformative journey with your wayward child. Remember, just as the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son never gave up hope, neither should you. Your love, guided by godly wisdom and pungent boundaries, can be a beacon calling your child back to the faith they once knew.